The Verb

“I live on Earth at present, and I don’t know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the Universe.” – R. Buckminster Fuller

My experience has been that most people, myself included, identify themselves as a noun. I am an acupuncturist, I am a parent, etc. If I look more closely however, no one is just those nouns, they are all evolving. As such each person should identify as a verb and that verb is constantly changing.

For example, I might be thinking or writing one day. On another day I might be walking, exercising, or driving. It is the motion of the person that truly explains who he or she is at any given moment. Taking the focus off the noun allows the person to evolve.

There is much truth to the statement that a person becomes labeled and has a very difficult time removing that label as he goes through life. Whether the label is positive or negative, it not only defines the person, it limits him. Let’s say someone is labeled “doctor”. Now his existence is defined by his role as a doctor. Do you ever see your doctor at the grocery store or the movies? Doesn’t it seem odd to see that person in the different setting? It is as if that person is supposed to exist only in the setting of his office or the hospital. I know children find it very odd to encounter their teacher outside of the school.

This labeling is especially destructive when the person is labeled in such a way that there are negative connotations to the label. For example: klutz. Not only is the person seen by others in this way, he begins to see himself as the label as well. This limits his ability to see himself as someone who is coordinated so his experience reinforces his perception.

My mother saw herself as stupid. This label was given by her older sister and reinforced by her lack of formal education. Because she saw herself as stupid she wasn’t willing to do anything that involved education or knowledge. She had an opportunity to go to secretarial training but refused citing the fact that she wasn’t smart enough. Her life was defined by this label that was as clearly stuck on her as a name tag at a convention. Sibling rivalry defined who she not only saw herself as but who she became.

In acupuncture school we were taught not to label people. I see it as much more important in having the person not label himself as having the acupuncturist not label him. Most people use a label as a type of shorthand to explain themselves. It’s much easier to say “I’m a lawyer” than to explain what one does. Herein lies the rub, by taking the easy way through this each person limits himself and chooses to box himself in.

Instead each person should be a verb. The verb is constantly changing. You could be seeking, running, deciding, marching, etc. and this will change throughout the day as well as from day to day. This way you are a being of evolution.

What’s your verb right now?

Metal, the Fifth Element

Is this despair or divine inspiration? This element has a lot of bad press from the acupuncture community. The association with grief and loss tends to put people off from really confronting what metal is all about. The sense of steadiness in oneself and of connection with the divine in the world makes it worthwhile.

It is the embodiment of the gift of the sensuous. Unlike fire which is about connection with others, metal is about connection with self and with the divine in all of us. It is about carnality, about the beast inside of each us. The P’o, the essential spirit of the metal element is all about carnal or sensual connection with oneself. Of course sex can be part of this connection, but for the most part it’s really about the experiences of the senses. Touch, taste, smell, sight, sound all interact with one another to create a picture of the universe.

The golden, flame-colored leaves in autumn are a gift to the senses and highlight what metal teaches. Walking through a copse of trees in late autumn is a joy to the senses. The brilliant colors mixed with the browns of the trunks and the dead leaves lining the path delight the eye. Each step heightens the sense of touch, even in shoes the feel of leaves crunching underfoot is a delight. The sound of the crack of dry twigs and crunch of leaves is music. The musty smell lingers on the back of the throat and provides the taste of decaying leaves. The crisp, cool air sends goosebumps along the skin, tingling and making me aware of being alive.

This is the most alive time of year. The knowledge that death is all around us creates a consciousness of life and the blessings it holds. As I walk in the cemetery on an October morning to visit the grave of my son, I notice the leaves as they dance from the trees to the ground. Even the trees must let go of that which they created and bore forth as life. I pass the large headstones and reflect on the lives of the adults who now repose below the cold earth. Nearing the area I seek, I see the possibility of agony. The headstones are tiny, many bearing only one date, the baby section. Do I wail and scream or do I realize that the divine spark in each of these tiny bodies was too great to be contained in the shell of human frailty? What connection do I choose?

Metal is about choice. Every day there is the choice to live or to die. It may be more apparent to someone who lives in this element as their home base, but it exists for all of us. Do I rise, face the world knowing that this fragile shell of humanity is not enough protection for the divine light within, or do I remain huddled in the warmth of the covers and shut out the imperfections of the world? Choice looms every morning, every evening. Do I decide to face one more day or do I choose to reunite with my true nature outside the body? Life or death, it is stark reality and a conscious choice.

I think the P’o is the nature of the metal element because it’s all that links us to this human form. Connection to the senses is what tempts us to remain within this fragile shell of life. Others ask “is there a God?” Those who dwell in this element do not need the questions, the answers are etched on our souls. For us, the question is, “How can I remain separated from the rest of my divine light for yet another day or year?” The presence of the divine is intuitive or experienced directly through that link the goes upward to God and downward through the earth and out the other side. I am the universe and shall always remain so, the sensuous is all that keeps me tied to this realm.

Touch, a sense that is directly experienced by so many so casually. For me, touch is the door to my soul. I hold back because the value of the connection to my soul is too great to allow it to be casually experienced. Touch me deeply and my soul sings, yet my life experience is not available for just anyone. I shy from the casual touch, it drains me if I don’t take care to block the entreaty of others. It should be one of the great delights of life, yet the potential for abuse of touch is so great. Touch through skin and touch through words, both have potential for greatness, both great creation and great destruction.

Love is available in every element, divine love in the metal. Worth of self, others, objects is highly scrutinized. Agony results from realizing that worthiness cannot be earned, it is inborn. It must be accessed and that takes risks. Is it the risk of failure that stays my hand from writing, speaking, interacting, or is it the fear of success? Even love needs to be pure, perfect, and deeper than the casual to be of value. The use of casual acquaintances or superficial loves has no place here. It is to the depths, to the death that I go in connection. “Many” is not useful, only the pure, refined, fire-tempered is worthy of connection and love.

The risk is so great in life that it cannot even be spoken. How do I guard the divine, keep it from the contamination of others, all the while allowing it to shine forth for the sake of the world? Yet, I am reminded of Shakespeare, “It is divinity that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we will.” I allow the divine in me to make the choices each day, life or death, connection or separation, value or junk.

We walk away from our dreams afraid we may fail or even worse that we may succeed.

The statement was made by Sean Connery's character William Forrester in the movie finding Forrester. He was speaking to his young friend Jamaal Wallace at the time. This statement is incredibly profound while seeming to be so simple.

Whether mundane or profound everyone has a dream. Most of us tend not to pursue those dreams. It is often the fear of failing that begins the process of letting go of the dream. Too many times others have led us to believe that we are unable to fulfill our greatest wishes. So, we take that on. We accept the definition of ourselves that others give us.

There are times, and these are relatively frequent, that we fear success even more than failure. I have found for myself, that the fear of success is incredibly great. It stops me from doing things I know I'm capable of doing and therefore I refuse to take the steps necessary to achieve my dreams. One of my greatest dreams is to be a writer. Not just someone who writes a diary or journal but a published writer whose work is well known. I know I have the capacity to be such a writer, however my greatest fear is that I will write a book that will be well accepted and then what? I don't fear the initial success so much as I fear the requirement to repeat that success.

I haven't been able to show myself that I can achieve my goals. In so doing, I set myself up through fear of the possibility of great success. At that point I mentally and emotionally move away from what I'm doing. I don't want to look like an idiot for failing and at the same time I don't want to look at myself as needing to continue to fulfill expectations, either those of myself or of others.

Think of what you are capable. Dream the dreams that you had when you were younger or that you still possess if you're lucky. Then look, take a really hard look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If the answer is yes you're well ahead of the game. For most of us the answer is no in some degree. It may be from a physical standpoint and more likely it is from a psychological standpoint that we find ourselves not liking the person in the mirror.

What is it about yourself that you do not like? What traits do you have that trip you up? Procrastination is one option. Lack of ability to plan and lack of ability to follow through are all so very high on the list. Often an individual will see him or herself differently than those around him or her. Many people have an inflated idea of themselves. The question is not so much what these traits are for you as how to overcome them.

I have found that the ideas and the traits that are embedded in my mind are the ones that control my destiny. I've read many self-help books and listened to many self-help programs to find ways to improve positive thinking and yet I find myself stuck in the same place. The questions of my ability, my worth and who I am haunt me constantly. For example, I met with a financial planner today. He was talking about setting up a retirement plan. My response was that I’m at an age that, having no retirement plan until now, means that I'm going to have to work until I die. Despite those books and CDs I still see myself as stuck in a certain place. I do not see a way out from the financial situation I've gotten myself into in life. My comment to him was “only if I win the lottery”.

I've begun to wonder whether individuals are actually trapped in their own nightmares or whether there is truly an escape hatch. Despite trying the positive thinking route I find myself making the same assumptions that I have in the past. Although I have made some incredible life changes over the last couple of years there are still certain basic assumptions about myself that I find difficult to let go. I don't know if this is true of other people, although I do see it in some.

Richard Bach wrote in his book Illusions: Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours.” I can certainly see the reality of this statement and yet I am unsure of how to get past arguing for my own limitations. I wonder if the various traumas of life set a person up for his or her perceived limitations. Did the fact that my older sister always treated me as less than she contribute to my feelings of lack of worth? Or was it possibly my mother's clarity about her own lack of worth that led to how I feel about myself? Either of these is certainly possible. Another possibility is the various traumas that I've suffered throughout my life have led me to the expectation of less than I might have.
Some of my recent reading includes work on shamanism. One of the concepts is called soul retrieval. The idea is that through various life situations, especially traumas, pieces of a person's soul are lost. Only by retrieving those pieces can the person become whole again. I have no personal experience to either endorse or disprove this concept. It does raise a lot of questions though.

Although this seems to have wandered afar from the question I started with, I seriously believe they are quite related. Walking away from our dreams seems to be the human condition. I think this is especially true in Western cultures where material wealth is a measure of value. Too often a person looks at himself and his circumstances as measures of himself as a man (or woman). I grew up extremely poor and I still have the view of myself in that state. Even though my socioeconomic status has improved since childhood, I still feel myself as less valuable than those who make more money or have achieved a higher social status.

Those feelings, in my opinion, lead to the feeling that I almost need to climb a mountain to pursue my dreams. I do not see those dreams as coming with ease. I see a very high price for them although I couldn't tell you what that price would consist of at this point.

I have written a complete science fiction/fantasy novel. Despite the fact that it has been finished for some time I have not chosen to do anything with it. It sits in my computer waiting my ability to take it out and metaphorically dust it off. I figure the rejection that I might get in submitting it to a publisher or more likely to many publishers is too much to bear. At the same time I have a fear of it being accepted and then having that publisher and the potential readers looking to me to produce more. So it's not the success per se that concerns me as much as the need to reproduce those efforts if I were to succeed.

Both these fears inhibit me. I see it in others as well. Both the fear of rejection and failure and the fear of “what would they do if they succeeded?”. If the person can see beyond the concept of making a lot of money with something that they produced to the fact that they would need to continue producing there is a certain level of paralysis that accompanies that realization.

Dreams, however, die without being fed. At best they may hide in a corner like frightened children, unwilling to lift their heads can be seen. It takes strength to reassure those dreams and move forward with them. That movement is the difference between existence and truly living.

Bow To What Is

At the center of the labyrinth, as the chimes rang 4 o’clock, I allowed the energy of that space to wash over me. The cold wind was whipping the leaves across the path and I shivered. My coat was pulled tight and my gloved hands reached up to the sky to take in the fading rays of light.
After making a complete circle, pausing at each of the directions, I faced the building once again and bowed. In my mind was the awareness that I was bowing to “What Is,” allowing myself to have an acceptance of that which exists. For the moment I was serene with that acceptance, allowing my chest to expand and to breathe in the essence of that acceptance. Despite the chill air, I felt a warmth spread through my chest.
Later, with my mind engaged again, I began to question the concept, as I am wont to do. What does it mean to bow to what is? Deep in my being a voice cries out for something better, different. In order to bow to what is do I need to silence that voice? How can I bow to what is, accept less than what could be, less than perfect? For me to be able to live in this world, there needs to be some possibility that life can be better than what it has been until now.
Who am I to say that something has to be different, that change must occur? What power do I hold? Yet, I do hold the power of my own life in my hands. So, how do I choose to bow to what is, to accept that which has gone before and not give in to despair?
Few of the details of my life are as I would have chosen had I been given a choice. Yet, they exist, as do I. They are done and cannot be changed, yet by bowing to those experiences or situations am I saying that I accept what they represent? I have been told that the past does not equal the future, and while that may be true, it does indeed influence the future.
The realization that bowing to what is creates a way to let go of the anger or upset about circumstances is helpful. It still provides me with questions about the purpose of letting go of those feelings. For example, if something negative happened like the death of a child, how does letting go of the feelings of anger or sadness really help? The life circumstance cannot be changed yet do the feelings not serve a purpose? If that child was killed in street violence, for example, do not the anger and outrage actually serve a purpose—to work to change the situation that created it?
If human beings all bow to what is there might be a lessening of violence because acts of revenge for past hurts would not happen. On the other hand, what about social justice, rights of the oppressed, etc.? No one would spend time working for those causes because they had chosen to bow to what is, to let go of the negative emotions attached to the situations.
In standing in that scalloped circle at the center of the labyrinth, bowing to what is, was I being true to myself? Did that one act of momentary acceptance create a different neural pathway in my brain, did it allow me to view the world and my life differently? My immediate response would be no, yet something did shift, if only momentarily. I stood listening to the dry, brown leaves blow in the wind and realized that in a sense we all blow in the winds of life. Just a moment of change, but there were possibilities in that moment.

The Hero's Adventure

By definition a hero is someone who has found, achieved, or done something beyond the normal range. He/she gave his/her life to something bigger than the self. This can be a physical act such as saving a people, one person, or an idea or ideal. It can also be a spiritual act that includes a going out and a return.
The initiation rites of many cultures symbolize the hero’s journey. The pubescent or prepubescent child must die to childhood and become an adult. He/she must leave dependency behind for the world of self responsibility.
Often the hero sets out intentionally on this journey. One example is Ulysses’ son who went in search of his father. He began his hero’s journey fully cognizant of his quest and the object of it. Other times one can be thrust into the role of hero. There is a Celtic myth about someone who follows an animal to a new landscape and the animal transforms into something else. In this case the hero embarked on this transformational journey unbeknownst to himself. Another parallel is the young man drafted into the military. He begins his quest by being pitched into that life headlong without his overt consent.
Generally, the hero has some moral objective. He/she is involved in saving something of value and sacrifices him/herself for something. A good example of this is Prometheus who stole fire for the sake of mankind. The myth of fire theft is a universal theme across cultures. The early heroes were required to slay monsters. The themes and actions of the hero evolve as the culture evolves.
Moses, Buddha and Jesus are examples of more evolved hero stories. Moses ascended the mountain, met God and brought new rules to live by. He epitomizes the classic hero journey of departure, fulfillment, and return. Buddha and Jesus parallel one another. Each of them faced 3 temptations and overcame them. Jesus faced the financial temptation of turning stone into bread, the political temptation of “bow down to me and all this shall be yours to rule” and the temptation of “cast yourself down and God will not allow you to come to harm.” He chose to resist the temptations. Likewise Buddha resisted the temptations of lust, fear, and the social duty of doing what one is told to do by society or some authority. Each of them came back to their followers and chose disciples to go and teach others.
The hero sacrifices his/her own needs for the sake of the other. Yet, his/her deed is often lost by the inability of his/her followers to perceive the journey. The hero is aware that if one primarily thinks of oneself he/she has lost the way. One must lose oneself and give oneself to others to complete the hero’s journey.
Generally, in his/her quest, the hero went out to new lands, places that had not been explored before. Our modern myths, such as the original Star Wars trilogy, are set in space because there are no new realms left on the earth for the imagination.
Star Wars perfectly characterizes the cycle of the hero’s journey. The powers of life are reflected through man, this can be seen in the use of “the force” by the hero and his mentor and its abuse by his enemies.
In this myth there is the old man advisor (Obi Wan) who aids the hero. He gives him both a physical instrument (light saber) and helps him find his own psychic center. The hero (Luke) is not a mere adventurer. He began his journey serendipitously when his guardians were murdered and he left with Obi Wan to join the fight for the Republic. He is ready for this journey and his achievement is a manifestation of his character.
Han Solo is the mercenary who becomes a hero. He had qualities of character and a depth even he did not know he possessed. He began the adventure only looking out for himself and by the end of the first movie he had shown himself to be willing to sacrifice what was most important to him for the good of his friends and their quest. He risks his life and his treasure to aid Luke’s quest to destroy the Death Star by eliminating the pursuing Imperials.
The scene in the bar in Mos Eisely, early in the first film, where Luke and Obi Wan first meet Chewbaca and Han Solo is symbolic of the beginning of the journey. The hero is about to embark on the adventure and he meets people who have been through the lands where he will travel. They have made their lives and choices just as he must make his soon.
The trash compactor scene is reminiscent of the Jonah story. They are in the belly of the enemy ship It is a descent into darkness and fear. The water represents the unconscious and the creature that is stirring in the bottom of the trash bin is the dynamism of the unconsciousness. It almost pulls Luke to his demise there, but he transcends the lure of the unconscious for his commitment to the journey. In effect, he leaves behind his attachment to the life unreflected for a life of conscious choice.
In the second movie, when Vader traps Luke and tells him, “I am your father,” Luke is confronted with another side of himself. It shows up symbolically in the tree cave on Yoda’s planet when Luke confronts what he thinks is Vader and when he cuts off the head it reveals that inside of Vader’s helmet is Luke’s head. His own dark side has come to play. Luke must make the choices that will render that dark side impotent if he is to fulfill his hero’s quest. He must move away from the choices of his father and into his own conscious choices to become an adult and fulfill his role as hero.
Luke’s choice to refuse the Emperor is the choice of the hero to use the system rather than be eaten by it. All of us operate in relation to a system. How we choose to relate to it determines the outcome of our own mythic journey. Do we choose to use the system for what we need or allow ourselves to be overcome by it, slaves to its authority? To fulfill our destiny we must not go to the dark side. Luke, by allowing himself to be nearly killed by the Emperor, chose to refuse the lure of the dark side. He was willing to die rather than surrender to that which is dark in himself. In so doing, he allowed Darth Vader to free himself from the morass he had created for himself by eventually choosing to defy the dark side of himself and rescue Luke. He sacrificed himself for the greater good, a true hero’s ending.
The hero lurks in all of us. It evokes our higher nature. Each of us must, within ourselves, say yes or no to the adventure of living. Do we choose zest, balance, and harmony or do we allow ourselves to become slaves to a programmed life, submitting to what others want of us that is not in the best interest of ourselves or society?
Many early hero myths included the slaying of a dragon, at least in European myths. The real dragon in life is our ego. This is the monster we must defeat. Do we allow ourselves to be ruled by what we want, believe we can do, or our environment? Each of us must choose to move out of the too small world we can create for ourselves and into the larger opportunities of life. The journey is our soul’s high adventure. “Follow your bliss.” (Joseph Campbell). This is akin to John Sullivan’s “the intersection of our own deep passion and the world’s deep hunger.”
If I choose to live my life according to my belief that “I couldn’t do that” then I’ve allowed myself to choose to acquiesce to the dragon. That self doubt is indeed the dragon. If I save myself, in effect, I save the world. I bring the world to life by being alive, truly alive not just eeking out my existence until death. In service to myself, I am of service to others. This is one consequence of myth, the story of one man/woman’s conquest allows each of us a larger world view from which to make our own choices. Ultimately each of us must do this alone. We can have a companion for the journey only up to a certain point. After that it is ours alone.
In Stranger in a Strange Land, Heinlein has his character, Valentine Michael Smith, tell Jill that the “cusp” the moment of decision is the only ownership that truly exists. Choice must be arrived at alone. Others can provide input and ideas but the final decision is up to the individual and cannot be taken on by someone else. This is the true hero’s journey, to make the choice and follow it through.
Joseph Campbell speaks of the place within oneself of rest. This is the center out of which one acts. Without that place of centeredness the hero will be torn apart. Nirvana is a psychological state of mind, not a physical place. Here in the midst of the turmoil of life there is an internal place or state wherein one is not compelled by desire, fear or social commitments. The teacher can give clues to the direction and path that leads there, but the person must find that center for him/herself.
The Gaia principle operates in this realm. It is the concept of the planet as one entire organism. We ourselves come out of the earth, we are the consciousness of the earth. As we human beings lose the planet as our center, we also lose our own ability to be centered within ourselves. Campbell points to the photo of the earth as seen from space as an example of this. It appears so small, yet it is so vital. There are no divisions, not for countries or states. We are all one and part of this glorious whole.
Myths and the hero’s adventure serve to link us back to this whole consciousness and our own part in it. They bring us to a spiritual level of consciousness, beyond the needs of the flesh and the immediate moment to those of eternity and the species and the planet. The sacrifice of the hero is to serve as hope for the future not only of mankind but of the organic whole of Gaia.

Cobblestones

Gray stones protrude from the ground along the street. The spaces between them allow for a rumble as a car passes over them. Each stone has a unique pattern of wear with the edges rounded. Some are cracked, other remain whole.
Walking on the stones requires balance and sensitivity for clean movement. The leather of shoes makes a slap slap sound. The imprint of a cobblestone on a crepe sole provides an irregular slightly rounded shape.
The impact of the rough ride over cobblestones on a headache is monstrous. Each jolt sends searing pain through the top of the head. Every moment the pain increases with swells and ebbs like the tides of the ocean.
The sound of the horses’ hooves as they traverse cobblestones is different from that of travel on dirt or concrete. The clip clop is nowhere near as uniform as concrete. The sound is more subdued on dirt. The clip is cut off and the clop echoes strangely as the hooves strike the uneven surface of the cobblestones.
Shades of gray strike the eye interspersed with darkness between each stone. The separate stones arrange themselves in a pattern created for their own amusement. They choose the level of wear they each will tolerate and embody it as a metaphor for the cares of life.
What lives between the stones? Is there organic life intermingled with the stone? Did these stones ever wish they could have been larger, part of Stonehenge? Are they satisfied with their lot? What do stones dream if they dream? Mobility would seem to be an important wish for stones. Maybe this is the viewpoint of a mobile lifeform.
The stones wonder about the rush and bustle of the human and animal kingdom. They run here and there and are always in a hurry, crisscrossing the stones so many times in a day. The rush does not allow the animals to have true contemplation, they move too swiftly to really meditate on the great questions.
Cobblestones have found the meaning of life and would love to share it with the bustling masses. Humans be still enough and the stones will speak to you, all your questions in life will be answered if only you could slow yourself to the speed of cobblestones.

The Way I Am

I have often heard, and even said, "it's the way I am." To some degree that is true. We each have our own ways of being that have grown out of our genetics, upbringing, lifestyle, etc. The difference between that and what I am addressing is one of will or choice. While it is questionable that I can change my genetics (give it 50 years and that may be possible), I can change how I express who I am in the world.

All of your life experiences have culminated in the person you see in the mirror. However, we have the option each day to reinvent ourselves. Through further experiences we learn to appear differently and even to change in fundamental ways. The words, "It's the way I am" are really a way of saying that I do not choose to be any other way than I am now.

I know very clearly that change is difficult, not only on the individual but also on the people who make up their close family and associates. And, of course, change can be for the better or the worse. Those words are usually spoken with regard to some trait that is seen in a negative light. It's not one hears them about a positive attribute.

So, the question is one of the choices we as individual human beings with free will make. It is easy to continue in patterns we have built over the years. And there are new horizons to be explored if we are willing to let go of the stubborn clinging to past ways of being and acting and move forward.